


Dying Breaths

by KaisaSolstys



Series: What Could Have Been [3]
Category: Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 06:51:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4091134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaisaSolstys/pseuds/KaisaSolstys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if, becoming an angel was sometime possible for a human who have been exposed to being in an Eva long enough. After all, they are like the suppressed clones of the Angels, build to fight the angels. </p><p>And if the humans who are compatible with these creatures *are* able to eventually generate AT Fields of their own, would that.. change anything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If I Stay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DaifukuBun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaifukuBun/gifts).



> To my new friend on Tumblr, daifukubun.  
> May our friendship prosper.

**And now the end is near,**

**But never fear,**

**My dear**

 

_Is it my fault?_

 

Shinji echoed his thoughts out loud.

 

“It’s not your fault,” came the ever calm response, ever composed, always so reassuring to Shinji. “It happened because I became the Thirteenth Angel. I was the trigger.”

 

Regret.

 

Horrible regret and then acceptance. He only wanted to make things right, to give Shinji the happiness the boy longed for.

 

“What should I do? Tell me, what should I do?” Shinji’s voice becomes more frantic, “Kaworu, what should I do?”

 

A sad smile accompanied gentle eyes.

 

“Even if your soul disappears, your wishes and curses remain in this world. Your will roams the world as information and gradually changes. Eventually, even your own self changes.”

 

_You will go on, without me, Shinji. You will learn to live, and love, and grow. And it’ll be alright._

 

**For I am with you**

**Until the end**

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

 

“This wasn’t the happiness you were desired.”

 

_Kaworu, no._

 

 _“_ I’ll close the Doors of Gulf. You don’t have to worry.”

 

“Kaworu,” _no please, Kaworu don’t!_ “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” But he did.

 

He knew, when Kaworu’s eyes changed, his head tilted upwards to stare at the opened Doorway which their nightmares entered from. He knew when the Kaworu’s gaze turn and met his own, determined eyes shadowing the grief behind those crimson orbs. He knew, when the twin spears above them shifted, and rose in preparation to strike.

 

**Side by side**

**In the moonlight**

 

Pain _._

 

The agonizing feeling of his chest being pierced laced through Shinji through the Eva’s neuro sensors.

 

“You just need to find peace and a place of your own.” _Without me_.

 

The second spear falls.

 

Pain. Pain pain painpainpain _painpainPAINPAINPAINPAINPAIN_ _NO KAWORU STOP_.

 

“Fate will guide you.” _I’m sorry, Shinji._ Kaworu’s thoughts were filled with regret; regret that he will unable to be the one by Shinji’s side and bring Shinji happiness. But he knew that Shinji will go on. Shinji will become stronger. He already was. _It’ll be alright._

 

_No. No it won’t. Kaworu no!_

  
A blinding light erupt between Shinji’s fingers, pulsing exertion that forced the barrier between the two to break.

 

Kaworu’s eyes widened. _No. Impossible._

 

Arm’s encircled Kaworu’s neck, even as small red diamonds erupt from the collar and began to circle the Angel.

 

“Shinji, no get back!” If he’s too close he’ll get caught in the blast and- and!

 

It was Kaworu’s turn to panic, when Shinji only tighten his arms and shook his head.

 

“Fate guided me to you. So let me stay with you!” Their faces were so close now. So close they could-

 

The diamonds stop.

 

 

**Fitting for our last ride**

**My Dear**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s Shinji’s birthday and I wrote a fudging angst fic. 
> 
> I’M SO SORRY SHINJI I LOVE YOU BUT SOMETHING ABOUT MY SUBCONSCIOUS WANTED ME TO WRITE YOUR SUFFERING ON THIS DAY.
> 
> Well. At least they’re together. So it’s not... ALL that bad? :D
> 
> There will be a continuation.
> 
> REWROTE PARTS OF THIS. NO BIG CHANGES.


	2. Will You Stay With Me?

_**My darling,** _  
_**Hold onto me.** _

 

Shinji’s eyelids are heavy with lethargy. His eye twitch with effort, but they feel like they’re stuck close. Slowly, his muddled mind comes back to him, and with painstaking willpower, he forces his eyes to open and manages a squint, and cough out dusty air that feels like they’ve been trapped too long in his lungs.

_Kaworu?_

His eyes dart around while his lungs gasped in air. Where was Kaworu?

He tries to move himself to sit up; his body so numb he can barely feel himself fumble for purchase with the elusive sand beneath him.

Sand?

Shinji looks down. He was… outside? Looking up, he could see twinkling stars behind the large metal looking object obstructing his view, their shadows too dark to make out what they were.

Where..?

His vision begins to blur, the edges becoming dark.

_No wait… Kaworu…_

Shinji feels himself slipping away again, when gentle familiar arms encircle him.

 

_**We’re going so far** _  
_**Far, far away.** _

 

“Kaworu?” Shinji mumbled through numb lips and a limp tongue.

“Shhh… I’m here.”

“Where... are we?”

Shinji felt himself jostled slightly as deceptively slender arms move to gently cradle Shinji, and the brunet feels himself being moved with care.

“We are outside. The Eva was breaking down, I had to move us.”

Outside… wait, move..? How?

Shinji’s brows furrow together, eyes squinting as memories began to piece themselves together like watery jigsaw puzzles that kept sliding from his comprehension.

The Eva.

Gendo’s plot.

The collar.

Instrumentality.

Kaworu.

Kaworu … was an Angel?

Turning his head was an effort, and Shinji could only manage a slight tilt, but it allowed him the view of Kaworu’s face.

His white hair and pale skin was a stark contrast against the night sky, and Shinji can’t help but think that this was how he imagined angels are supposed to be, from stories long before the attacks had begun, ethereal and graceful. And kind.

“Kaworu,” Shinji tries again, his dry mouth making it hard to speak, and words come out sounding weaker than he like. “What happened?”

The night sky was visible, now that the strange metal objects weren’t obstructing his view. Shinji mutely noted that with the minimum light from the stars and moon, he could make out those strangely shaped objects to be the torn remains of their EVA, scattered amongst the remains of human civilization.

Kaworu looked down at his friend, his expression tender with care and adoration.

“It’s all right now. It’s over.”

“Over…?”

_**My darling,** _  
_**Hold me tightly.** _

 

His puzzlement was met by a gentle smile.

“Instrumentality,” Shinji’s eyes widened.

 _Wha…?_ Shinji thought, and nearly jumped out of the arms that held him when a gentle voice answered him.

_It means we can be together._

Shinji stared at Kaworu. He hadn’t spoken out loud. At least he didn’t think he did, because his mouth hadn’t moved.

_We don’t have to. Not when we’re so close._

Kaworu can read Shinji’s mind at close proximity?! Shinji’s alarm was apparent, and grew even more so when he remembered the other times he had been close to Kaworu and couldn’t help when certain thoughts cross his mind before being hastily dismissed.

Kaworu let out a soft huff of a chuckle.

“No, this is something new. In this new world we’ve created, it seems that the barrier that gives our individuality only manifests when we want them to. Physically, and in our mind.”

“What?” That seems to be Shinji’s new favourite word, the brunette noted, as he can’t quite grasp what is happening. Everything was so confusing; too much was coming at him too fast for him to grasp and comprehend.

“Because of this,” Kaworu pressed his hand lightly to Shinji’s chest, and, alarmed, Shinji looks down, startled first by the fact that he was being held up by Kaworu’s AT field, -when had he let go? -and second because there was a red glow _coming from beneath in his chest WHY WAS HIS CHEST GLOWING?!??_

“Kaworu?” His voice pitches higher as panic began to set in. His hands frantically searching over his clothed chest for intrusions –was he hurt? Oh god, was he going to die? Fear began to rise before his searching hands were halted by a set of paler ones, and Shinji looks up into Kaworu’s face, looking as if he was split between amused and deep concern.

Shinji watch as Kaworu takes Shinji’s hands in one of his own, wrapping his other arm around Shinji’s waist and pulls the brunet closer to Kaworu. He feels himself stilling at the contact, then waves of _comfort_ and _reassurance_ flow through him, and he looks up at Kaworu, and whispers, “Are you… doing this?”

Smiling, Kaworu leaned forward, resting their foreheads together.

 

_**We’ll be safe,** _  
_**We’ll be forever safe.** _

 

“I want you to be happy, Shinji,” Kaworu whispers, “more than anything else, and I want to be by you, to be the one to bring you that happiness.”

Shinji stares back, uncertain how to respond to this sudden blunt honesty, or even how any of that has to do with anything –the desert, instrumentality, the _glowing thing in his chest_ -, but nods anyways, because that is part of what he wants, too. He wants Kaworu with him, by his side, because when Kaworu is with him, Shinji felt safe, like nothing could harm him, and nothing wrong can happen.

 _Except everything did._ Bitter self-hate threatens to consume Shinji, and he close his eyes as if that would shield him from the inner hurt. Warm hands cup his cheek, tilting his head up and his eyes opened at the touch.

 _No, Shinji, everything is better_.

_Better? How can this be better? Instrumentality-_

_Bringing forth instrumentality made this possible._ The interjection was softly made, as if hesitation lingers even through Kaworu’s assured demeanour.

Shinji’s eyes widened. _Made… **this**?_ Shinji looked around him.

The desert around them stretched farther than his eyes could see, colliding with the sky in the horizon, which was growing steadily darker than the bloody red it previously drenched in. Ruins of what Shinji knows used to be parts of buildings dots the sandy areas, all partly swallowed by sand. And what he knew used to be the enormous towers were now small broken bits of their former glory, looking even smaller by the large stretching span of the desert.

Everything was in desolation. How was any of this better, Shinji was desperate to see and wanting to believe.

As if sensing Shinji’s escalating confusion, Kaworu brings Shinji closer, beseechingly willing Shinji to understand whatever good the Angel could see in this dust filled world.

“In this world,” a pale hand rested on Shinji’s glowing chest, and the light slowly dim, as if calmed, until all of it recedes into Shinji. All of Shinji's remaining fatigue drains out of Shinji, pulled away into thin air. “We are connected.”

_Closer than we were ever able to be. We’ll never be apart again, Shinji._

 

 

**_My dear_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …. I was sooooo tempted to do a bad end.  
> For example, the diamonds stopped, not because they managed to stop the collar from exploding, but because it activated. And Shinji, because he’s close enough to the vicinity of the collar, also gets blown up in the process. And they die together :D
> 
> Just kidding, just kidding.  
> No I’m not that evil.


End file.
